I figured I would blog through my pain. The weeks are going by so fast, and I am just not able to keep up. I am so grateful to be pregnant right now… I mean this is our miracle baby! I just feel that my decisions have taken me away from really being able to enjoy this pregnancy and connect with this baby like I wish I could. Instead of thinking of where the new baby will sleep, breast feeding or formula, stocking up on diapers… I am just frazzled by all of my responsibilities with my new job.
Financially things have been tight due to the back to back pregnancies. I haven’t been working consistently since our son was born Fall 2013. I thought by accepting this teaching position at a local high school that I would surely be setting my family up for a great financial future. Out of pure desperation and excitement I took the first job that was offered to me, which was to teach HS math. I felt that this is the only safe place for me to share my true feelings without getting fired hopefully lol.
Many of the students checked out mentally a long time ago. Many of them honestly do not care. I have overheard plenty of them scheming to *get teachers removed* from their classes or transferred to other classes. I believe one of my classes in particular is gunning for me to leave by making class instruction difficult. Even though the school year started in August, I didn’t get hired until three weeks ago. In my three weeks of teaching I have witness students constantly on their phones, cussing and fussing with each other, stomachs out because they wear crop tops, a student throwing a book at another student in my classroom, students just walking out of my classroom, and sadly a student crying outside of my classroom because the whole class was being so disruptive that it made his head hurt.
Awe hell, I just dosed off a bit while typing this. That’s how excruciatingly exhausted I am. I fear falling asleep at the wheel some days. The mental demands of this job are intense. I just pray the baby is okay. Baby 4 is a girl!! I am so excited to meet her but I am terrified because I am so stressed that I am not eating at work, I am not able to drink like I want to so I am dehydrated, the students are extremely disrespectful and many are downright stupid, the district has so many rules procedures and policies that we must follow which gives us teachers extra work. I am just so exhausted. I don’t want to be a failure. I want to take care of my family. The timing is really bad. I am so worried. I just dozed off again. I really want to finish my thoughts but I keep falling asleep. I just want financial stability so bad, but my health is slowly deteriorating. I just hope the baby is alright, To anyone trying to conceive out there , peace and many blessings unto you. Take care!